I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
