I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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