ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
