better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
