did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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