this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
