even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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