Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
