I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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