i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Bring me that man meat
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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