guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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