Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
