I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
