i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
