The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
