Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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