Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
