community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
