I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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