im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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