Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
