Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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