It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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