My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
