im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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