On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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