just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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