i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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