I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
