Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
