Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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