Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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