You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
