Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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