So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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