Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
