apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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