I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
