sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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