he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
