trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
