Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
