I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
