Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
