You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
