Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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