my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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