There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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