And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
