is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
