I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
